On Journeys
Going on a journey can be fun and exciting, right? Can you relate to that?
I have been on several journeys throughout my life, and the vast majority have yielded fond memories. Even the journeys that may have been wrought with unexpected twists and turns, broken down vehicles, missed plane connections, lost reservations, and last-second changes, memories were made. Most importantly, laughing has replaced any lingering moans and groans.
In February of 2022, I began a two-year journey that I had no clue what I was getting into when I started. I committed to a 48-hour retreat every quarter where I would be completely unplugged, unavailable, and inaccessible. In addition, roughly half the retreat was spent in solitude and silence. I will have my 9th and final retreat on this journey this weekend.
At first, I did not know what the heck I had gotten myself into. For the first 24 hours of the first retreat, I kept saying to myself, “What kind of a ‘cult’ is this? What have I done?” But, and I mean a very BIG BUT, something happened on the Monday afternoon (retreats run from Sunday afternoon to Tuesday afternoon) of the first retreat that set in motion a process and a journey that has been transformative in so many ways.
The words “transform, transformation, transformative” seem overused, overgeneralized, and many times, unfortunately, represent overhyped hyperbole. With caution and eyes wide open, I venture to even use that term as an adjective in describing this journey over the last two years. Nevertheless, I do not know what other term to use appropriately to represent what has happened.
The Monday afternoon of the first retreat was dedicated to solitude and silence–six hours worth. The purpose: create time and space for God and me to connect and chat. The first thing I did that afternoon was…take a nap! Yep, I fell fast asleep for three hours. It was glorious! I cannot tell you the last time I had taken an afternoon nap. I probably could have slept longer, but something woke me up–or should I say someone.
I had a very strong sense that God woke me up, and all I heard was, “Get your pen and journal, and let’s go.”
Over the next three hours, I wrote and wrote and wrote some more. I had a dialogue with Jesus that I wrote out word-for-word. That may seem mystical, weird, or even a little whacko, which is fine. I thought all of those things, too…until I experienced it. And you know what? I have experienced it at every retreat since–even in between retreats as well!
What was my conversation like? Great question! It started with me asking questions related to clarity, direction, calling, and my “doing” in life–primarily my business and professional life. Did God answer those questions? Yep…but not at all like I ever anticipated. God took me back to the foundation: my being and my identity. You see, my identity was so wrapped up in my “doing” and my career that I had completely lost a sense of who I was outside of what I did. And I was a damn good doer; I could get it done with the best of them! And that was the problem; I didn’t know it at that time, but that was the problem.
Thus, my journey of “being” began. As my journey of quarterly retreats in this format comes to an end (I am committed to going away quarterly on retreat for the rest of my life, by the way), the journey of “being” continues. Over the last nearly 25 months now, I have learned this much as it relates to “being” and “doing”: it is a both-and, not an either-or. Overemphasizing one over the other creates imbalance and tension that is difficult to reconcile.
This means that my “doing” comes from my “being, belonging, and becoming.”
As I learn more about who I am in Jesus, who He is in me, and who He says I am and sees me as, the more I understand my “being,” my essence, my identity. And I understand that this is a process–” being” is a process of “becoming” that is tied to knowing where I “belong.” Where do I belong? In a growing, loving relationship with God and with others.
As being, becoming, and belonging have become clearer and as I have embraced and owned my identity in Jesus, my “doing” has also become clearer. Why? My calling, “doing,” is tied to who I am, how God has gifted me, and how He has prepared me with experiences, knowledge, and passion.
I know that is a lot of words and a lot to digest, and it may seem mystical and difficult to comprehend, but that is okay! I never got this either–I am still learning and growing in this, and probably always will!
The bottom line is this: I did things backward most of my adult life.
My doing drove my being, my identity. And when my doing stopped working, my identity disappeared, and I was utterly lost. Two years ago, my soul was dry as a desert, my identity was unknown, my confidence was in the toilet, and my head was a swirling mess. I was coming off a season where everything I knew was either gone, going away, or I feared was going to be gone.
I needed to go on this journey that really began in 2018– a stripping away of everything my “doing” accomplished: title, career, income, money, power, position, honor, relationships, community, and respect. One where I was stripped away…until there was literally just me and God, alone together, on a Monday afternoon, talking–maybe for the first time in years…maybe decades, heart to heart, soul level, with nothing to lose or hide or prove, pouring out, tears flowing, exasperated, desperate, longing, confused, and yet, hopeful. I did not know it then–but know it now–that is exactly where God wanted me–needed me–to be, because then, and only then, was I ready to listen. And listened, I did! I am so grateful; I never could have imagined life so full of meaning, purpose, satisfaction, and joy…and it has everything to do with “being” AND with “doing”... both, not either-or.
I pray that you experience the cruciform love of Jesus and you experience the “doing” that comes from your “being”!